Mommy 2014

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The letter I wish I received when I found out I was eating for two.

I remember when I first found out. I had been acting crazy for a few weeks. I had been sleeping like crazy and eating like crazy. Everything made me angry. I wanted to kill *George and at the same time I wanted him to hold me for forever. I was fighting with *George, screaming at the top of my lungs. I wanted to leave him. I wanted nothing to do with him. I went to sleep and the next day it was like nothing happened. He urged me to take a pregnancy test. It came back positive.

I can’t even begin to explain to you the amount of emotions that began to course through my veins. I was happy and terrified. I didn’t know what I was going to do. I didn’t think I was ready. I couldn’t be a mother. I’d be a terrible mother. I couldn’t even take care of myself. I couldn’t even begin to think I was capable to be in charge of another life. What if I couldn’t feed it? What if I couldn’t provide a roof or clothes? All I wanted was to be a kid. I wanted to have my mom yell at me and tell me to go outside to play. I wanted my mom most of all. As much as my mom and I disliked each other all I wanted was her to hold me.

When I finally broke down and started making sense of things. I started asking *George the hard questions. What are we going to do? How can we raise a child? Who should we tell? When should I go to the doctor? Does he still want to be with me? Does he still love me? Am I going to be a good mother? I then started to ask myself all the hard questions....

Could I stop doing drugs? Could I be a mom? What kind of mom do I want to be? Do I want this child? Can I provide for this child? Could I love this child? What if something happened to me during child birth? What if my family never spoke to me again? Am I going to end up being a hood mom? What if *George left me? What if I had no one? What if I miscarried? What if my baby died?

My mind eventually stopped going warp speed. I was able to calm down enough to the point where I thought time stood still for a very long time. I couldn’t get out of this dazed semi depressed state. I thought my life had ended. Everything that was ever said to me resonated within me. All the negative connotations thrown my way were giant lit bill boards for my mind to just dwell on. They blinked in my mind at random times.

*George and I came up with a game plan. I don’t believe in abortion and am strongly against it but I am pro-situation. I do believe everyone has the right to choose just like I am entitled to my opinion. With that being said *George had a right to voice his opinion as well. We decided to move forward with the pregnancy. Once we both were on the same page, I was able to experience sheer joy. I was so happy and nervous still but I couldn’t wait to meet my baby.

My first doctor’s appointment was a trip to the emergency room because it was the easiest way to get state assistance. Neither I nor *George had health insurance. I went alone as I did for every appointment. They set me up and got me most of the information I needed. I started to feel overwhelmed again. I heard my baby’s heart beat for the first time. I was 6 weeks pregnant. I knew the conception date, last date of my period, how many days I was late, and any other question the doctor had. They asked tons of questions to the point where I felt so overwhelmed I started crying. I doubted and still doubt myself constantly.

The first time I heard my baby’s heart beat it took everything for me to hold back my tears. I knew from that moment forward what UNCONDITIONAL love was and why my mom was so F-ING psycho. She was raw emotion. She was me and I was a piece of her. I grew to understand her for all of her flaws and strengths. My mom was so strong and for that I adore her.

I went to a lot of appointments. I learned a lot of things about myself. I loved being pregnant. *George and I were happy through most of it until the very end of my pregnancy. That’s when I gained the most weight. We stopped having sex once he could see the baby move inside my stomach. He saw the baby press and move across my stomach. You can literally see limbs, hands, feet, or whatever else the baby presses against you. This killed me. The fact that he wouldn’t have sex, cuddle, or be any level of intimate with me… killed me. My self-worth and confidence was lost. I had gone through so many changes and so many things had happened with my body that I needed someone to remind me that I wasn’t disgusting or unattractive. I validated myself on my significant other’s view of me. When I needed him most was when I felt at my worst and he wasn’t there for me. He made me feel worse… like I was scum. I was just pregnant.

I felt like I blew up like a hot air balloon when I hit my seventh month. I barely gained any weight till then. The last 3 months went by the slowest. I ached a lot more than usual. With the weight gain, came a pinched nerve in the back which is called the sciatica nerve. << (Completely and totally awful… It came in second place to giving birth which still happens now after I had my son) I found out in the last three months that *George had been talking to other women and sending nude pictures. I didn’t tell him I knew. I stayed silent.

At 3 am on April 15th 2014 my water broke. I had just gotten off of work. I was lying in bed scrolling through my Facebook news feed on my Ipad and everything was eerily quiet. I remember thinking the baby was too still like freakishly still. I stopped moving and looked at my stomach. I felt this pop that made my ears ring. Suddenly, it felt like my baby was falling. I slowly crawled out of bed backwards with my legs squeezed as tight as possible. God, my heart was pounding. I went to the bathroom and went pee or at least that is what it felt like. I wiped and went to pull up my pants when the fluid came rushing. I thought I was peeing myself. I was so upset. I sat back down quickly. It wouldn’t stop. I’d feel fine for a second then go to get up and felt like I had to pee. I repeated this scenario for several minutes before it dawned on me that my water had broken. The eagle was landing, Houston we have lift off… I was going to be a mother.

I grabbed a hand towel and stuck it between my legs to keep from having fluid flow down my legs like the Niagara Falls. I crept into the room and tried waking Jon up to no avail he would not wake up. I was fed up and kicked him in the stomach. I told him my water broke and I was going to take a shower. I spent forty five minutes trying to prepare myself for the unknown. When I finally decided the shower was enough I emerged to dress and keep a towel in between my legs. There was still fluid flowing. It was disgusting but slightly amusing now that I think about it.

*George and I got loaded up in the car. He was trying to stay calm for me. The contractions, the contractions were a force to be reckoned with. I thought I had some level of pain tolerance, oh, I was deviously mistaken but I definitely developed one. The hospital was about a ten to fifteen minute drive. It seemed to take days to arrive. I told him he needed to drive quickly as the pain started to set in, in waves. I could barely walk into the hospital. You remember how when we played soccer; somehow someone would kick the ball directed towards you and it would hit you in the stomach so hard you would double over in pain? Well, take that and multiple it by a thousand then add the worst muscle cramp you’ve ever had; place all of that in your stomach. That is what a contraction feels like and they can last 5 minutes!!

This next part is graphic and embarrassing; it’s everything no woman ever tells you when they talk about pregnancy.

We got into the welcome center for the maternity ward and they quickly did the intake process. They ask so many questions, it took everything for me not to scream at this woman. I puked, A LOT. I had to go to the bathroom to go pee again except it was more than that. Your body will do the most intense purge you have never experienced. I couldn’t stop pooping. I thought I was going to give birth in the toilet. Hahahaha…. (“-_-“)

So, eventually after about 10-20 minutes of that I was finally able to escape the bathroom with some sense of stability. I got to the stretcher where they had me shed my clothes and get on the bed with a mat that looked like a puppy piss pad. I felt humiliated. I kept thinking, “What is that for?”

Eventually, you begin to realize you have zero control, which is the most terrifying thing I have ever experienced. They carted me upstairs to my suite. I was checked to see how dilated I was… whoever thought doctors are hot while shoving fingers up your hoo-ha was a nut. That person should be smacked. Also, women doctors are not gentle because they know exactly how much pounding a vagina can take. I had a lady nurse check me and she shoved her fingers up there. It hurt because you become so sensitive. Everything is inflamed for goodness sakes’. I smacked her. I felt no shame that was my very tender impermeable vagina she was obviously violating with her god awful man hands.

I couldn’t stop puking. It was like self-induced drowning. The pain would come, I would puke then a contraction and I would proceed to puke so hard I couldn’t catch my breath. The baby was coming too fast. I was losing consciousness and the baby’s heartbeat was getting weak.

They gave me my epidural. I begged for it. They told me it was the epidural or C-section and god knows I chose the epidural. I absolutely hate needles even though I have piercings and tattoos, I still hate them. I couldn’t believe how huge that thing was?!?! I’m not going to venture far into description but like those giant pixie sticks… thickness… length and it was mind shattering.

It is funny how quickly a drug can take effect on a body. It’s peculiar how a body can handle such high doses of something so potent. Your mind gets a little woozy, body is floating a little as you slip into a semi-conscious state until your body adjusts. Legs are numb, you get a taste of being paralyzed from the waist down, pray it doesn’t stay permanent. A moment of panic sets in when you finally see the doctor again and asks, “Do you feel anything?” Your mind races, “Am I supposed to feel something? I don’t fucking know doc, why don’t you tell me?!”

When it came time to finally start giving birth… to actually push, I was relieved. I was ready to have this tiny little precious boy. I’ve never wanted anything more in my life. They asked me if the nursing students could be in the room, I hesitated but said yes. I couldn’t deny someone a learning experience when I wanted to be in their shoes someday. It was quite an audience. Let’s just say embarrassed couldn’t cover the level I was at. They smiled and encouraged me. Tried helping me stick to a breathing technique of which I had zero.

Back to that gruesome stuff, when you start to push you exert so much force it is enough to turn you inside out. You push everything out and will defecate yourself. When you push they tell you to think about pooping. One student said, “Think about taking the biggest shit ever and once you push it out you get a prize!!” I couldn’t stop laughing. Everyone chuckled a little. It was good advice. I pushed for a while but it wasn’t enough. They had to get very real for me to kick it in to gear. If I didn’t push my baby out soon, he would suffocate. I cried. I didn’t want my baby to die. I pushed him out. I heard him cry and while he was still attached, bloody and covered in my blood; I held the most amazing thing in this entire world. I held the universe in my arms. I now know what every mom felt before me. My whole world changed. I didn’t care that he was covered in my grossness, he was mine and I was his. I now had a true weakness. I would protect him with my life.

It was like a light bulb turned on in a deep untapped part of my brain. It was like I knew. I knew what he wanted, how he was feeling, and what to do but feeling like I knew these things freaked me out. Doubt crept into my soul that I would be a terrible mother so, I shut these instincts out. If I’ve learned anything from watching moms around me and being a mom, you never shut out those instincts. They are always right. Your child and you are on this weird psychological wave length. You become so in tune with each other. It was some Freaky Friday shit. I didn’t mind it.

They never tell you it’s normal to feel crazy, alone, happy, sad, lost, did I say crazy? You get so protective. You don’t want to let your child out of your sight and that never goes away, it only grows with the more they learn. They get independent so quickly. It is normal to resent your significant other and to be terrified to have sex. You just had your vagina ripped open!!

Take as long as you need to get back up on the saddle and if they make you feel bad about it, then tell them to f’ck off. You don’t deserve to feel pressured or bad. It is normal to feel like you are constantly fucking things up. It is NORMAL to feel inadequate. Don’t think for a second that you can be a perfect parent because you will have failed if you think that. Every day, every moment is a learning experience.

What you take from it will define you as a parent. Every child is different. They go through different things and learn differently. They need different love. It is your job to take care of their every need; to nurture the good and guide the bad to the right path. You learn patience on new planes.

I still feel like I’m constantly messing up and that’s okay as long as my son knows I am here and he can come to me then I am doing something right. Take advice, read articles, talk; oh my god please talk. Talk about everything all the time but most of all, take care of yourself.

Remember to love your partner, to be understanding. You both have to remember that you aren’t mom and you aren’t just dad… You are you too. You have to be able to take a day to yourself to enjoy your passions. Go out on dates! Never stop dating. Never stop trying to win each other’s love. Raise a child based on love and self-respect. You are lots of titles everyday but the best title you can be is your name and sometimes that name is mommy or daddy from a very petite amazing voice.

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*Names have been changed to protect the privacy of those involved*